Nurse asks, "Sir, left eye, right?" Me: "Yes, left eye is the right eye." (Nurse did not laugh).
Nurse puts dilating drop in my eye and hands me a tissue. A bit later, she puts another drop in my eye, this one so I won't feel any pain during the procedure. She hands me another tissue. Ten minutes later, she puts another drop in. Another tissue.
Doctor is late. Another drop, another tissue. I now have four tissues in my hand. No bin around. I finally stuff them into my shirt pocket.
The eye surgeon -- Dr Steve Seah -- arrives. Nurse ushers me into the day surgery room. I am about to sit down. She says, "Um, you sit on the other side. Doctor sits on this side." Haha, I "blur like sotong" even before the op.
Doctor (confidently)... "Right. We'll laser away the clouded membrane in your left eye." Whew! At least he's not blur. I'm in good hands; he is one of the best.
He adjusts the chin clamp and places an external contact lens over my eye while the nurse fits a restraining strap around my head. A spotlight is aimed at my eye. Then he starts to "laser away", and I can actually "see" red patches that then disappear. I swore I could hear the zapping sound each time he hit the button...
Hey, he's playing Space Invaders! (And I'm paying him to have fun.)
He might as well have then said, "Game over!" But instead he says, "Okay, all done. You'll see some floaters (the debris) but they will disappear. See you again for a check-up two weeks later." He then disappears.
Thus ended the procedure called "YAG LASER CAPSULOTOMY", which took about two minutes and cost me a four-figure sum. So, parents out there, if your child has steady hands and is smart, interest him or her in Space Invaders, before you do the sales pitch on becoming an eye surgeon. Or maybe one of these other medical specialties...
Colorectal surgeon: This one gets to say, "Pull your pants down so I can stick my finger into you!" And all and sundry, from presidents to paupers, comply. I have.
Hematologist: Don't make this one angry, or you might be called a "bloody fool".
Pathologist: This is a good career option for medical wannabes who want to play it safe. Your patients can't sue you.
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To wrap up, from a website I found on medical humour...
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle.
- This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
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