Air Kindergarten

I had great fun penning the article below -- in one and a half hours, with  just one draft. It was  inspired by an item, "Child-free flights music to some ears," (ST, 11 Nov, page A30):

Toffee, teat, or Mickey?

Yes, ma’am, you heard right.

I thought your bawling toddler here might want a toffee sweet to shut him up, and your previously asleep infant – now screaming her lungs out, thanks to that brat, er, your son – could do with a pacifier shoved into her mouth.

As for your sweet little preteen girl here, ever so quiet and all belted up in her seat (you sure she has your DNA?), clearly deserves a Mickey Mouse plush soft toy, compliments of Air Kindergarten.

Haha, oh no, ma’am. It’s just my little joke. The airline’s name is still Red Dot Airways and our iconic branding symbol is still the Red Hot Girl. As you can see, I’m a RHG. My name’s Erica Yong, and I love flying.

I’m also no longer just one of the flight attendants on this plane, I have the additional title of Nanny Onboard, ever since RDA created the “family-only section” on its long-haul flights. Our CEO had read, in the newspapers, about how people – in other airlines, of course – had complained about parents doing nothing while their offspring raised the decibels inside the aircraft higher than what the jet engines outside were emitting.

One irate passenger on one flight reportedly even grabbed the pesky kid behind her, who was incessantly kicking her seat. If not for the fact that aeroplane windows cannot be wound down, she might well have thrown the child out.

We wouldn’t want that to happen on an RDA flight, so our CEO had this special section fitted out pronto.

You and your family are our first guinea pigs, er, our first family section passengers. 

By the way, I’m being very sweet to these two brats, er, children, now because we are still awaiting take-off. Company policy.

But once we are in the air, you’ll find out why Nanny Onboard equals NO.

We received training from child psychologists who believe in tough love. So, no more nonsense from any brat or it’s no toys, no sweets, no teats.

Instead, NOs like me will put on the scariest face masks imaginable – leftovers from the last Halloween – and literally scare the, er, poop, out of the brats.

I assure you it works. We tested this method on, haha, the families of our own staff. It works so well that one “take-away” from the trial runs was that it was imperative to make the kids wear disposable diapers. So, as you can see, your toddler is already being led away to the maternity area to have diapers put on him.

You’ll sue? Oh, you didn’t read the fine print when we asked you to sign on the dotted lines in that form with words in big print offering you extra mileage points? Yup, you signed away any rights to sue us.

Anyway, kids are smart. They’ll learn that only by staying quiet will they get the coveted Mickey Mouse toy, which has a built-in Donkey Kong game. As for your infant, see, she’s already fast asleep. We didn’t provide that pacifier for nothing. Which part of the word “pacifier” don’t you understand? Okay, it has some special harmless ingredients, but that’s our secret recipe.

So, ma’am, sit back, fasten your seat belt, relax and enjoy what we are sure will now be a pleasant flight. One more thing. We do have adult-sized pacifiers, on request of course.