Jiak kantang English vs talking cock English

Is there a Standard Singapore English that, at the minimum, seeks to standardise grammar, vocabulary and spelling so that the local variant (leaving aside that "little" matter of accent) is easily understood by non-locals?

The academics are trying to do that, I suppose, to provide guidance to the Speak Good English Movement here. The problem is that Singaporeans simply love their Singlish, which the academics label as Colloquial Singapore English. Aiyoh, so bland! I would rather call it "talking cock" English!

The still a-work-in-progress Standard Singapore English should then be "jiak kantang" English (the Hokkien term jiak kantang literally means "to eat potatoes", so roughly translated, it means to speak the way the potato-eating Anglos speak).

There are academics who think that, for just about any Singlish expression, a Standard Singapore English rendition can be whipped up. You be the judge of whether this task is Mission Impossible in this set of examples from a National University of Singapore unit called PROSE, for Promotion of Standard English:

Singlish Expressions and Their Standard English Equivalents

• Singlish : Why you never bring come?
  Standard English alternative : Why didn't you bring it?

• Singlish : He take go already.
  Standard English alternative : He has taken it with him.

• Singlish : Why he anyhow do things?
  Standard English alternative : Why does he do it this way? / Why doesn't he do it properly?

• Singlish : I cannot ownself do.
  Standard English alternative : I cannot do it myself.

• Singlish : I'll take for my ownself.
  Standard English alternative : I'll take it myself. / I'll help myself to it.

• Singlish : Want to rain, want to rain, never rain.
  Standard English alternative : It looked like it was going to rain, but it didn't.

• Singlish : You very clever to arrow people ah, ownself never do.
  Standard English alternative : Why don't you do it yourself, instead of passing the buck to others?

• Singlish : Why you always like that one?
  Standard English alternative : Why do you always react in such a way?

• Singlish : You don't anyhow say leh.
  Standard English alternative : You mustn't say baseless things. / You mustn't make baseless accusations. / What you say has no basis in fact.

• Singlish : I also can.
  Standard English alternative : I can do that, too.

• Singlish : He also never do his homework.
  Standard English alternative : He didn't do his homework, either./He hasn't done his homework, either. ("Also" & "too" are used for agreement on something positive, "either" is used for agreement on something negative; "never" means "did not ever"/it cannot be used to mean "didn't".)

• Singlish : Who say one?
  Standard English alternative : Who says so?

• Singlish : Like that also want to see.
  Standard English alternative : That's no big deal. / There's nothing much to see.

• Singlish : Don't worry, sure can one.
  Standard English alternative : Don't worry; it'll work.

• Singlish : So late already you still want to go ah?
  Standard English alternative : It's pretty late; are you sure you still want to go?

• Singlish : Last time we got different lecturer so the syllabus not same mah.
  Standard English alternative : We had a different lecturer previously, so the syllabus was not the same.

• Singlish : How come nobody tell us this exam is open book one?
  Standard English alternative : Why didn't anybody tell us this is an open book exam?

• Singlish : Don't say I never tell you we got test tomorrow.
  Standard English alternative : (You'd better take note) there is a test tomorrow.

• Singlish : Our drawing so simple how to score?
  Standard English alternative : How can we expect to get good marks with such a simple drawing?

• Singlish : You sit this bus 96 and drop at the bus stop in front of the Com Centre.
  Standard English alternative : Take bus 96 and alight at the bus stop in front of the Computer Centre.

• Singlish : Can you please alight me at the Centrepoint taxi stand?
  Standard English alternative : Could I alight at the Centrepoint taxi stand? / Could you please drop me off at...

• Singlish : Every faculty on campus also got a canteen.
  Standard English alternative : There's a canteen in each faculty.

• Singlish : Irregardless of whether the consumers like it or not, we must try to market this product.
  Standard English alternative : Regardless of whether the consumers...

• Singlish : This new lecturer whole day talk so cheem; I really catch no ball.
  Standard English alternative : What this new lecturer says is always going over our heads; I just haven't the faintest idea what he's talking about.

I know, you caught no balls either! In the first place, not all the so-called Singlish examples above appear to be authentic. And a golden rule of Singlish is brevity.

There are eight words in "Every faculty on campus also got a canteen" compared to six in the jiak kantang version. Buay sai, man! The talking cock version should be something like this: "Got faculty, sure got canteen" (or "Oo faculty, tok oo canteen").

Just five words. Brevity restored!