Yesterday (July 1) was Singapore Armed Forces Day (SAF Day), with fit young soldiers strutting their stuff, the unveiling of the best units, promotions given out, etc.
Today, I received an email with an interesting line of argument... if you want to strike fear into your enemies, send in the oldies and keep the still wet-behind-the-ears 18-year-olds at home...
Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on fighting the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us take on some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell! Besides, like I said, I'm tired and I can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up, rifle at the ready.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd have forgotten where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, though... combat veterans swear they never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl... And he still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed-off old farts with bad attitude and automatic weapons, and who know their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting women over 50...in menopause! You think men have attitude issues? If nothing else, put these women on border patrol. They'll have the border secured on the very first night.
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