Lost in translation...

Liane sent me this hilarious one:

Hospital admission summary: "Wife found husband hot in bed last night."
Translation: Man had a high fever and had to be taken to hospital.

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When non-geek meets computer for first time
(these are oldies but still good-for-a-laugh goodies):

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? 
> Female customer: A white one... 
> =============== 
> 
> Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out. 
> Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? 
> Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. 
> Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. 
> Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry.... 
> =============== 
> 
> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
> Customer: Your left or my left? 
> =============== 
> 
> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? 
> Male customer: Hello... I can't print. 
> Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... 
> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates. 
> =============== 
> 
> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it
in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find the printer... 
> ============== = 
> 
> Customer: I have problems printing in red... 
> Tech support: Do you have a colour printer? 
> Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. 
> =============== 
> 
> Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? 
> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. 
> =============== 
> 
> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. 
> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? 
> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. 
> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. 
> Customer:! OK 
> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? 
> Customer: Yes 
> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard? 
> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... 
> =============== 
> 
> Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple,
a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7. 
> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ? 
> == ============= 
> 
> Customer: can't get on the Internet. 
> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? 
> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. 
> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? 
> Customer: Five stars. 
> =============== 
> 
> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? 
> Customer: Netscape. 
> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. 
> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. 
> =============== 
> 
> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. 
> =============== 
> 
> Tech support: How may I help you? 
> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. 
> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? 
> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it? 
> =============== 
> 
> A woman customer called the helpdesk with a problem with her
printer. 
> Tech support: Are you running it under Windows? 
> Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine." 
> =============== 
> 
> Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now,go to "P"; and that will bring up the Program Manager." 
> Customer: I don't understand. 
> Tech support: "P", on your keyboard, Colin. 
> Customer: What do you mean? 
> Tech support (a little exasperated now): "P", on your keyboard. 
> Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

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Is the computer a "he" or a "she"?

This one is not really a "lost in translation" but it's still about language, and computers (and -- teachers please take note -- how to teach lessons creatively)!...

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her adult education class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.