These were claimed to be actual American newspaper headlines (with someone adding in one-liner comments):
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if you wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall! Small doctors don't sue?]
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
And my favourite?...
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
I wish ST would have come up with something like that when Mahathir was Malaysia's PM. Imagine:
Red Tape Holds Up Crooked Bridge
You'll like this one; heard on the radio (Class 95) this evening on the way home - "Andy Murray took just one hour and twenty two minutes to 'dismantle' the Austrian Juergen Melzer to advance to the quarter finals of the Australian Open" - poor Juergen, he's moving around without his limbs and his head, so to speak. What happened to KISS - they could have said 'defeated', 'thrashed', 'beat' or as the BBC put it 'see off'
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