Want COE? Make babies

Disclaimer: The piece below is pure tongue-in-cheek. Abuthen.

Dear Mr Wong Kan Seng,

Minister in charge of National Population and Talent Division.

As a loyal citizen, I share your concern about the country’s declining Total Fertility Rate, or TFR, whatever that is. I understand the simple maths part. When the TFR is 2 (okay, give or take 0.1 point either way), it means people replace themselves, right?

But what amazes me are all those strange decimal-place numbers being trotted out. I am told Taiwan has the world’s lowest TFR, at 0.97.  Our own has now hit an abysmal all-time low of 1.16.   But aren’t people “whole numbers”, that is , one person, two people, etc? Number-crunching is so confusing to a layman like me, but that’s the least of our worries if we just remember that we must aim for at least TFR=2, right?

Let’s get back to the baby making agenda. I think we must start with the right slogans. I’ll come to the incentives later. You people, since 1959, have been experts in these two areas, so how come you come up short when it comes to baby making?

The situation is so desperate, for starters, we need an SOS – Save Our Sperms.  Did you know that at ejaculation, anywhere from 90 million to 150 million sperms are produced? By the way, it’s that infernal number crunching that’s bugging again! How did those people add up the numbers? Did someone use a “bean counter” in an experiment and, as the sperms swim by, start counting?

Okay, seriously, the message has to get across that every sperm – like every drop of our drinking water – counts.

So, here’s Slogan No 2: If you are a married man, don’t be a jerk.  

 Men must be told not to waste any of it, since all it takes is just one lucky sperm to find the egg, and bingo, “the Explorer has landed, Houston”.

It is so important for national policy that we have a stockpile of sperms that I understand the technology for Newater is being tested to see if it can be applied for the production of Newsperm. No woman who wants a baby should be denied her right to sperm.

On the technology aspect, we may need to consult the Indonesians. They have lots of semen factories.

Next, we have to watch our language and use the correct mood-setting. There was this Straits Times reporter today (18 Jan, page A2) who, in opening her commentary, used the idiom “We must bite the bullet”. Nooooooooooo! Has she not heard of the attack of the Bobbitt-ers? She should Google “Bobbitt” and find out what I mean.

Instead, we should quote Shakespeare. “Screw your courage to the sticking place, and we’ll not fail”.

Now, for the Chinese zodiac. It seems that Tigers are unwanted (ouch, I’m a Tiger) but Rabbits and Dragons are highly desired.

So, what’s the “issue”? Reinvent the bloody thing and call it the Singapore Chinese zodiac, with only two animal signs – the Rabbit and the Dragon – alternating every year. Smart huh?

Next, everywhere, we should have reminders to have babies. As you pass the ERP gantry, a sign should flash “The best things in life are babies”; “Babies are a (married) girl’s best friend”, etc, etc.

Now for the incentives. Staying with the ERP gantries, as you pass one, if you have a baby onboard, that’s 20 cents off. Two babies, 40 cents, and so on. Hey, just imagine, five kids in tow and you get a whole dollar off! You get a top-up instead if the fee is less.

Given that our engineers are so smart, I’m sure all this recomputing of fees will be easy-peasy for their computerized systems.

Mr Wong, don’t forget you first read about this idea in my blog, hor. Just get it mentioned in PM’s N-Day Rally speech and we’re quits. You get your KPI skyrocketing and no one will ever mention MSK again.

I have another idea, again, based on Singaporeans’ love affair with everything else except making babies.

We love cars, right? Want a car, have a baby. Want two cars, have two babies. You’re single still? Promise to get married, lor. Tried to make babies but could not after many times? What do you think Newsperm is for?

I have not figured out how a HDB flat in a choice location can be linked to baby making. But, hey, that’s your job. I just seed the ideas, and it’s up to your fertile mind to conceptualise the outcome.

Up, up, and away… our national TFR figure, that is.

Just one loyal citizen,

Onthesannyside.