Cynical sexist jokes versus The Secrets of Old Age...

Husband versus wife: When it's not just a joke!

I posted two husband-versus-wife jokes yesterday. Then I remembered the BMW item I had posted earlier:

And now there's this rivetting court trial in mainland China:

I think I'll stick with the jokes...

CC sent me this one...

 Men Are Just Happier People
>
> NICKNAMES
>          If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
>          If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
>
> EATING OUT
>          When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
>         None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
>          When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
> MONEY
>          A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
>          A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
>
> BATHROOMS
>          A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, soap, and a towel.
>          The typical woman's bathroom has 337 items.  A man won't be able to identify more than 20 of the items.
>
> ARGUMENTS
>          A woman has the last word in any argument.
>          Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
> FUTURE
>         A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>         A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> MARRIAGE
>         A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>         A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
>
> DRESSING UP
>          A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
>         answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
>         A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>
> NIGHT AND DAZED.
>          Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
>          Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
> OFFSPRING
>          Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist
>         appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
>         A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
> AND THE THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
> A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
>

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I guess cynical jokes make one laugh. But nothing beats the heartwarming stuff...

The Secrets of Old Age

Before middle age – Do not fear, 

After middle age – Do not regret...

So enjoy your life while you can.

Don't wait till you can't even walk just to be sorry and to regret... So, as long as it is physically possible, visit places you wish to visit. Above all, treasure every moment with your other half; One of you will leave first.

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Dream car revisited

Finally, while I am still "young at heart" (and only that)... I had said my dream car was the Volvo P1800. But I've changed my mind, after reading about this... 4.9 sec to reach 100kph, in a two-litre production car. Wow! Now I have to go to the shops to look for the diecast scale model (no need for COE, lah)...

Two husband-versus-wife jokes, and a political joke...

Husband versus wife

* There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money.
He was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife:
“When I die, I want you to take all the money that I have, and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

His wife promised him with all of her heart that she would do so.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, and his wife was there, in black.

Her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, the undertakers closed the casket.

The wife suddenly said: “Wait just a minute!”

She had a box with her; and she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away for cremation.
So her friend said:

“I know you. You weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there!”
The loyal wife replied, “I’m an honest loyal wife. I can’t go back on my word. 

I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”
 “I sure did,” said the wife.

“I tallied it up, put it into my bank account and wrote him a cheque.

If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

* A woman announces to her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
 Her friend was happy for her: “How wonderful!

But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

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A really good political joke

The American brags, "We vote in the morning. In the afternoon, we know who the President is". The Chinese says nonchalantly, "Isn't that dumb? Today we vote, but last year we already knew who the President would be". With a contemptuous look, the North Korean says to the American and Chinese, "We don't have to vote. We know who... since we were little kids". The bewildered Japanese says. "We have been voting time and again but we never know who is going to be the next Prime Minister". The Russian smiles faintly, "When our President was tired of being the President, he made himself the Prime Minister. When he became tired of being the Prime Minister, he became the President again". The Cuban doubtfully looked at everyone and asked meekly, "Brothers, you mean it is possible to change the leader?" The Iraqi had the final word. With a loud voice, he exclaimed, "Can, can be changed. Certainly. If we don't, the Americans will change for us."

My dream car...

The COE price for "small cars" -- ie, 1600cc and below -- is going through the roof! And even though that for "big cars" has actually come down somewhat, it is still a crazy sum to pay for the piece of "entitlement" paper, not the car itself. This is the latest set of numbers:

I believe Singapore is probably the only country where you see headlines like this one:

And statistics like these ones:

Having felt a sudden compulsion to keep up with the nouveau riche, I went shopping today and got this cute little yellow Suzie:

And it does not need a COE! Still, it's not as stylo-milo as this Aston Martin DB5 supercar that Lynn and Mike got me earlier. It even has flashing lights and hidden machine guns that pop out to fire away, rat-a-tat-tat. It too does not need a COE...

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But, seriously, I'm still happy with my real little Suzie, which of course needed a COE (which cost less than $30,000 at the time I bought my car):

And while many enthusiasts would drool over a real DB5, the classic car I would really wish to own is this one -- a Volvo P1800:

Ah well, I can only dream on.

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Finally, watch this really great "Father's Day" ad (note: F-Day is celebrated on Sept 1 in Australia this year)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AQZoYCF6FU

Once in a blue moon...

I am told that the bright shiny orb up there tonight (Aug 21) is a blue moon. There is this phrase, "Once in a blue moon..." One property ad, below, defines this as:

And when I got onto Google, it took me to searches for Claude Debussy's Clair de Lune. The image that came with this YouTube clip of Clair de Lune is appropriate:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzQTeCn5HBg

And here's the Marcels' original 1961 "Blue Moon":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu4OkmzqK2E

But, really, what is a blue moon? Here's Wikipedia's description of the phenomenon:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_moon

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Finally, still on things blue, here are two creative blue-themed ads:

Discovering Englishables, and take this test developed by Dr Alfred Zheimer...

The Englishables!

Exhibit One

This California Widow is a real groaker. She watched the spermologer as he jirbled some irish cream into the coffee cup of the soda-squirt with a pussyvan and said nothing. He’s married to the zafty woman with squirrel who’s spent half of her adult life as an underpaid bookwright figuring out whether Arabic words are Englishable or not.

She now works for the snoutfair you find lunting around town who took up tyromancy for a hobby when his wonder-wench ex-wife walked out on him because, well, he’s a bit of a beef-wit. Now she helps curglaffed queerplungers by giving them research tasks for her PhD in resistentialism.

Exhibit Two

 I was lunting along, feeling a bit stung that the sodasquirt who’d just served me a chocolate malted had accused me of being a spermaloger, when he should have known I was a well known bookwright.

Suddenly I groaked a California widow of my acquaintance -- truly a snoutfair and clearly with squirrel -- eating lunch at a sidewalk cafe. The shock I felt was almost at the level of a curglaff. Being rather beef-witted, I couldn’t quite figure how I might entice this wonder-wench into my pussyvan.

Distracted as I was, I experienced the rather unpleasant resistentialism of a streetlamp that had suddenly appeared in front of me. I was then reminded of the tyromancy session from the previous night.

At the time, and not wanting to appear too zafty to my friends, I had poo pooed it as “overpriced.” (I now understood it to be worth every penny.) As discreetly as possible, I drew my flask from my back pocket and jirbled out a dram in an attempt to recover my senses.

The whole episode had me feeling so verklempt (is that Englishable?) it put me in mind to throw myself in the river. What stopped me was the realization that this act would most likely not be taken seriously, and I would instead be labeled a devious queerplunger.

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No, these two "exhibits", penned by two very creative people, are not gibberish. All they needed were 18 obsolete English words. Here's the key that will unlock what the two writers above are saying (thanks, Lynn, for posting the link):

18 obsolete words that should never have gone out of style

http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/195348/18-obsolete-words-which-should-have-never-gone-out-of-style/

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If, after all that,  you are still a glutton for punishment, take this test:

How to check for Alzheimer's.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake (but you should not take longer than 40 seconds):

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down!

Singapore's 'generation layers'?

Singaporeans who watched PM Lee Hsien Loong on TV on Sunday night (at the National Day Rally, or NDR) would have heard him use the phrase "pioneer  generation", defined apparently as citizens "in their late 60s and above":

This is an interesting labelling exercise. The Council for Third Age (C3A) says Singapore defines its Baby Boomer generation as those born between 1947 and 1965 (whereas the World Health Organisation's definition is 1946 to 1964):

Who are the baby boomers and why are they important?

http://www.c3a.org.sg/learning/who-are-the-baby-boomers-and-why-are-they-important

While there is now a more fluid conceptual span for the term "generation" (Generations X and Y; I'll come back to that), if the Baby Boomer generation spanned almost 20 years, then its preceding generation might roughly be those born between 1925 and 1945 (using WHO's benchmark). That would put the oldest of this prewar generation at 88 years old this year (2013) and the youngest at 68. I suppose this is the pioneer generation a la Singapore's terminology.

But it leaves someone like Mr Lee Kuan Yew -- who will be 90 years old next month -- outside the pioneer-generation rubric! Mr Lee and several members of his first Cabinet (be they still alive or since dead) have been described as "founding leaders" and, by extension, they were the pioneer leaders who led a pioneer generation. I suppose one way out is not to be dogmatic and to loosely refer to this pioneer generation in the way the above ST caption did: "Singaporeans in their late 60s and above".

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So, then, the "generation layers" for present-day Singapore would be:

Pioneer Generation

Baby Boomers

Generation X

Generation Y

Generation Z (?)

I found this helpful graphic in an article from an online site called Highbrow Magazine:

http://highbrowmagazine.com/2713-generation-y-counterculture-cynicism-progress

These two links below are also useful in defining the BBs, Xers, and Yers (and even the Zedders):

http://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/qt/generations.htm

http://www.reliableplant.com/Read/2431/boomers-generations

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Finally, this link below takes a humorous dig at the differences between the BBs and the Yers!...

The 20 Differences Between Baby Boomers and Generation-Y 

http://elitedaily.com/life/the-20-differences-between-the-baby-boomers-and-generation-y/

Over the moon? Not so soon...

Don't answer these calls!

Beng sent out this alert:

People have been receiving calls from+375602605281, +37127913091, or some other number starting with a +375, or +371. One ring and and they hang up, leaving a missed call message. If you call back, it's one of those numbers that are charged $15-$30 and they can copy your contact list in 3 sec.

If you have bank or credit card details on your phone, they can copy that too. +375 is from Belarus and Afghanistan. 371 is the code for Latvia.

So, don't answer or call back!

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Oh no, it's mid-autumn again in near-equatorial Singapore!

Yes, it's that time of the year when ads galore promote mooncakes. Is this one a joke or what?...

Butt-shaped mooncakes?

 What's more, "there's no excuse not to cop a feel of our seasonal bestsellers"! So we are not expected to eat them? Just grope them? Wait, there's more...

   
The ad also features a trio of astronauts... adrift? Booted -- no, butted out -- of their spacecraft for daring to eat those butt-shaped mooncakes instead of just copping a feel? And is that the moon or earth below? All in, what a strange ad:

Nutritious mooncake?

Good for your butt, ie, making it more rounded, like the moon? Oh, but the ad promises... "Guilt-free indulgence has never been this simple"!

This 2006 AsiaOne story is headlined "Warning: 1,000 calories a mooncake":

http://wineanddine.asiaone.com/Wine%252CDine%2B%2526%2BUnwind/News/Food%2B%2526%2BWine/Story/A1Story20070901-23871.html

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This man is so hungry he'll eat an entire stall...

Reminds me of eateries I've seen ,such as "Kampong Chicken Eating House".

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Mati lah, this kind of mata mata?

Finally, there's this current throwback-to-the-1950s series on local TV...

Look at the still pic... one policewoman has her hands inside her pants (she's got a gun in there?), another is ramrod straight as if on the parade ground (or is she petrified?), and one cop has his arms folded. And this is supposed to be a face-off with a bunch of pai kia criminals who might be having armed henchmen lurking in the shadows?