How to hire, and how to get hired

After that string of serious postings, it's time for a chill-out break:
 

Job Ad Vocabulary

 “Competitive salary” -- We remain competitive by paying you less than our competitors.

“Join our fast-paced company” -- We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere” -- We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up nice and smart.

“Some overtime required” -- Some, every night; and some, every weekend. Without the overtime pay, of course.

“Duties will vary” -- Anyone else in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an eye for detail” -- We have no quality control.

“Career-minded” -- Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“Apply in person” -- So that if you’re old, fat or ugly, you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience” -- You’ll need it!... to replace the five people who just quit.

“Problem-solving skills a must” -- You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

“Requires team leadership skills” -- You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good communication skills” -- Management tells you, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Useful phrases for you to use in a job interview

“I’m honest, hardworking and dependable” -- I pilfer office supplies.

“I take pride in my work” -- I blame others for any mistakes.

“I’m personable” -- I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to coworkers.

“I am very adaptable” -- I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I am someone who's always on the go” -- I’m never at my desk.
"I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organisation" -- I've used Microsoft Office.

“I’m highly motivated to succeed” -- The minute I find a better job, I’m outta here!