Saturday, May 10, 2014

A smorgasbord of humour...

People have been sending me funnies. So I'll share a buffet spread of humour in one "seating":

The Very Patient Grandpa.

I was walking through the local supermarket the other day when I saw a grandfather walking around with his 2-year-old grandson. It was obvious that the gramp wasn't having an easy time of it, with the siren-like voice of his cherished youngling scaling upwards every time candy or toys came into view.

The grandfather, however, kept his cool, and intoned softly to the child: "Ron, relax, it won't take long."

When the screaming didn't stop, the grandpa continued: "Ron, there's no reason to get angry, try to enjoy this walk and in a minute we'll be on the way home, promise."

When I came out of the store I saw them in the parking lot, the child screaming and the older man still talking softly and quiety to him. I couldn't help myself. I walked over to him.

"Sir," I said, "I have to say you are an amazing grandfather. The way you talked to the boy and kept your calm despite all of this screaming -- Ron's a lucky kid to have a grandpa like you."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm Ron. This little bugger's name is Mitch."



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for that night's best toast. 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".



A renowned scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.

"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."

The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.

When they arrived at the seminar lecture hall, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the room. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture, showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would.

At the end of the lecture, the chauffeur asked, just as his master always did, "Are there any questions?"

One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but he finally managed to pull himself together.

"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."


How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client?

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc.  in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket, he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

He then hands it to  the 'violator' for his signature.

The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"

Two months later, they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he has hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

On the stand, the officer testifies to seeing the man's car running through the red light.

Under cross examination, the defence lawyer asks; "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"What does the 'AH' stand for, officer?" 

"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir." 

"Aggressive and Hostile?" 

"Yes, Sir."

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."


Dressing for the Occasion.

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while his ship was sailing the Seven Seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my red shirt!'' The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock Bravo led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later that day, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, they was victorious over the two ships.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''

All his men sat in silence and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo.

As dawn came the next morning, the ship had reached the South China Sea. The lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the horizon. The first mate asked, "Shall I bring your red shirt?"

"No. " Captain Bravo calmly replied, ''Get me my brown pants.''


Finally, ASEAN summits are usually very boring. But this year's may yet prove to be more interesting. I'm following it. I wonder if any one of the leaders (and their invited big power guests, if any) will be turning up in a red shirt or brown pants!...

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