Monday, May 19, 2014

Just funnies...

I simply love "walks into a bar" jokes. Here's the latest in my collection:

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, ""What’s in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

“Where on earth did you get that???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”

A few moments later, a duck waddles into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks -- and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man sighs, then  replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???“
I think I have posted a variation of this joke below before, but this one's still worth a laugh!...

For several years, a wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Tests showed he was the father.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me, and I'll explain it later," he answered.

The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce!"

Always follow the instructions printed on the label...

Aspirin bottle

Deodorant stick

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom. "It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
Warning sign


As for what's inside this label...

...the idea is to cool it??


Finally, what did the horse say? Nay!

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