Religious humour

I'm into "religious" humour today. The anecdotes here were collected over the years. My apologies if anyone is offended :-)

1. A Protestant, a Catholic, and a Jew were debating over the giving of tithes.

They decided they would use a fistful of coins to represent their tithing approach. The Protestant began. "I would draw a line a few feet away, and throw the coins towards it. Whatever coins land outside the line, they belong to God."

The Catholic said, "I would draw a circle around me, and throw the coins into the air. Any that land outside the circle belong to God."

The Jew said, "Why draw lines or circles? But I too would throw the coins into the air. Any that stay up belong to God."

2. A rabbi and a minister were seated next to each other on a plane. The comely stewardess approached and asked, "Would you gentlemen care for a drink?"

Without hesitation, the rabbi said, "Sure, I'll have a whisky on the rocks."

The minister was taken aback and proclaimed: "I would as soon commit adultery than to have a strong drink!"

To which the rabbi responded, again without hesitation: "Oh, there's a choice? In that case, I'm having what he's having."

3. A priest and a taxi driver ended up at the Pearly Gates. St Peter looked at his list and readily motioned the taxi driver through but furrowed his brow when it came to the priest. Worried, the latter said, "Why did that taxi driver get in so easily and you are still checking your list for me?"

St Peter said: "Ah, compared to you when you were in the pulpit, he has scared the hell out of so many more people when he was at the wheel!"

4. After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the Superlimo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curbside.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 97 mph (Remember, the Pope is German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal on the floor until they hear a police siren.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"'I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going at 97 mph.

"'So charge him," says the Chief.

"'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"'Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is now angry. "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"

5. Ali was excited as he rode his motorcyle to the airport. He was going to the haj! He found a secluded spot he thought would safe to leave his bike till he got back. Then he got on his flight.

But, on his return, the motorcycle had been stolen. Now he is known as "Haji no moto." [A note of explanation about this old and politically incorrect joke. A Muslim who returns from the pilgrimage to Mecca, or the haj, gets the honorific "haji". There is a brand of food seasoning called Ajinomoto.]

6. A religious order known for its strict adherence to the celibacy vow [remember my earlier anecdote on celibate vs celebrate?], decided to recruit new novices. Three young men turned up.

The chief monk got a belly dancer to test their suitability [that's a trigger word!... for me to blog another time on the infamous "suitability certificate" Singapore university applicants had to submit once upon a time, but I digress here...].

He also tied a little bell to the willy of each of the boys, who were called up one at a time.

When the first applicant came into the room, the dancer, cleavage and all, hip shaking sensuously too, approached him. In seconds, "tink, tink, tink" was heard.

"My son", admonished the monk, "go take a cold shower."

The second applicant stood out longer (pun intended). The dancer had to swirl around him before the sound of the bell was heard.

"Take a cold shower," the monk told him.

The third applicant was impassive no matter how hard the dancer swayed provocatively and as good as embraced him seductively.

After the monk sent her away, he praised the young man. "Well done, you are ready to join our order. It has been a long day and if you wish, you can join your brethren in the shower room."

At which point, "tink, tink, tink" could be heard.

7. The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their
enemies.

About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his
question.

This time he received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his
question.

With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in
the rear.

"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Eighty-six."

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be 86 and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I outlived all of them."