Celebrate, it's the weekend!

There's a backlog of stuff that I've received, so here's a batch for weekend mirth.


Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

An  attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest  beside
her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may  I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for  her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm  afraid they'll confiscate it.

'Is there any way you could carry it  through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would  love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not  lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question  you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The  official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the  top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The  official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have  to
declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous  instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,
to date,  unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.  Next  please!'

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This next one is a classic that I have used, and I don't mind rehashing it as its retelling here has a little variation:

A Tiny Mistake!

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'  He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.  So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. 'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!!!' His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: "The word was... the word was... CELEBRATE!!!"

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Warning: Some people may find this last one below a little offensive, so if you don't like jokes about the Confessional Box, stop! Scroll no further.

CONFESSIONAL BOX

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars, and liqueur chocolates nearby.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies:

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".