Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Three jokes...

These jokes had been sitting in my email inbox...

Spoiler alert: Beware the Genie with a wicked sense of humour
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes the routine whenever the two enter the restaurant. Then Friday comes.

"The usual?" the waitress asks.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potatoes, and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls out the exact change from his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

"My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Don't you wish you were this guy (if you have a prickly woman boss)!

A woman office manager of a large firm prided herself on her running a no-nonsense outfit. One day, she noticed a new man and told him to come into her office.

" What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John ," the new hire replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you previously worked at, but over here, I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. 

"I refer to my subordinates by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. There will be NO exceptions.

"I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling..... ....... My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "


The "Genesis 9:7" Pastor

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation then said, "Amen."

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